he shares a birthday with bob dylan

Today is my nephew's nineteenth birthday. He was always a handful, but not a bad handful. He was a really smart kid from go and so lovable. Some kids are harder to connect with, but not my nephew. He was fun to hang out with. I remember taking a hike with him when I visited right after his little sister was born. He was around four years old. As we walked he'd find trap door spider nests (are they called nests?). He'd say, 'Look Aunt J.J'. & show me how the trap would open, being careful not to damage the spiders handiwork.

More recent memories I have, are of him playing on his high school basketball team. He was always naturally athletic - really good at all sports. His coach almost never used him (really - hardly ever). My nephew just kept his head in the game & was always the first to congratulate a teammate for a good play. Or he'd try to lift up a teammate who was having a rough game, giving him a pep talk - keeping things focused.

Me writing in the past tense makes it sound like he is dead. He isn't but he has been struggling with a drug problem for the past five years. It seems crazy to say, how could a nineteen year old have a five year old drug habit? He was raised by two of the most loving people you could imagine. Up front, honest people who faced these issues head on. Some parents might deny the truth, or play the 'he'll grow out of it' game. Not my sister & brother in law. I remember them telling me when my nephew turned twelve, 'He's going to try every drug out there'. And I remember being pretty mad at them for saying so. I felt like they were pigeon holing him. But they just were facing the truth. They faced it before I was ready to.

My sister and her husband tried everything possible to help him. I mean everything. Moving from a neighborhood that had kids who were a bad influence, to a home in the middle of a citrus grove (no neighbors). Sending him away to schools that specialize in helping kids like my nephew. Psychiatrists, psychologists. You name it, they tried it. It sometimes would work for a while, but eventually he'd start using again. It became apparent that until my nephew wanted help, he'd keep living the way he had been - using.

He is now living out of state and I worry about him dying or getting sick far from home, or him ending up in jail. He can be such an amazing young man. I remember visiting them around a year ago (he was clean at the time) and he hung out with my son & I while we played ping pong. He goofed around with us & we had a great/fun conversation. I guess the fact that he is capable of being such a truly neat person makes this whole mess even tougher. I mean, it is much easier to 'write-off' a schmucky loser of a person. Which isn't to say that he hasn't done plenty of schmucky things...

I just want to shake him though you know. I want him to get over it, stop using, come home, be safe, stay alive, stop breaking his parents (and the rest of us who love him) hearts. And I am sad at him and really mad at him. I understand that a drug addict is incapable of thinking about anyone but themselves, but that doesn't make me miss him less. And it doesn't make me worry less or want to write him off. I want him to wake up, get help and come home for good. I want him to mean it when he says he is ready to stop. Then I want him to stop. He has so many who love him and are ready to help. But the help is meaningless until he wants it for himself. So yeah, it is his birthday and I am thinking about him. And I love him and am mad at him and just want him to be safe and stay alive.