timothy mcsweeney rejected me
I sent McSweeney's a submission for their "Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond" feature and was politely and promptly rejected. I thought I would go ahead and lay it to rest here, as I had mentioned (back in March) that my cat is a cutter.
Dear Sparkles,
Please stop cutting yourself. It hurts you. Your chin looks disgusting, and you have to wear that cone that we both hate.
When my niece rescued you from that convenience store parking lot you were a real mess. You settled in though, and seemed grateful to stay inside and have your food and water provided. I gave you a clean litter box and an adequate amount of brushing and petting. I admit, I actually wanted another dog, but you came around at the right time (when former dog was on last leg) and as my Mom gently pointed out, cats are easier in an apartment. Not having to go home everyday to walk you on my lunch hour sealed the deal.
I have come around to accepting (not quite embracing) being a cat owner. You have taught me a great deal about myself. Sometimes I want petting and sometimes I just want to sit on the couch facing away from company too. I'm OK, you're OK, right?
Things were fine between us for a while. But then you started screaming all night long like a cat in heat. But you weren't in heat because I saw to that when I dropped you off at the spay and neuter clinic. I thought you missed the outdoor part of your life so I let you go out and in. This didn't make you any quieter and you kept getting beat up, so I made you indoor only again. I figured you would be safer and healthier.
Then I came home to bloody footsteps. You had cut your foot on a knife in the dish drying rack. First of all, you aren't allowed on the counters, and if you would follow the rules you wouldn't have hurt yourself. Now that I think about it, maybe that was a suicide attempt. It would follow your other neuroses'. It was very difficult for us to get through the stitches healing, bandage changes and the like, but we did it. Then you started cutting.
What is wrong with you?! You relentlessly scratch at your chin with your back feet. You scratch so much that you make big sores and I have to make you wear the cone. You hate the cone and I say 'just cause' in hating the cone. It is hard to eat while you wear it. I would imagine it is uncomfortable. You can't bathe yourself and cats like to bathe.
My reasons for hating the cone are quite different from your reasons. I hate the cone because when you are looking around in the litter box for what needs burying, you inadvertently dip the cone in your waste. I don't really care for the cat poo decoration, and I certainly don't like you jumping up on my bed in the middle of the night with poo stuck on the perimeter of your cone. It is smelly, unsanitary and just plain repulsive.
Please stop cutting yourself. You used to be such a pretty cat. You've always been crazy, but at least before the cutting you were pretty. We can get through this, but you need to take the first step and stop cutting. Let's get rid of the cone for good.
Sincerely, J.A. Johnson
Dear Sparkles,
Please stop cutting yourself. It hurts you. Your chin looks disgusting, and you have to wear that cone that we both hate.
When my niece rescued you from that convenience store parking lot you were a real mess. You settled in though, and seemed grateful to stay inside and have your food and water provided. I gave you a clean litter box and an adequate amount of brushing and petting. I admit, I actually wanted another dog, but you came around at the right time (when former dog was on last leg) and as my Mom gently pointed out, cats are easier in an apartment. Not having to go home everyday to walk you on my lunch hour sealed the deal.
I have come around to accepting (not quite embracing) being a cat owner. You have taught me a great deal about myself. Sometimes I want petting and sometimes I just want to sit on the couch facing away from company too. I'm OK, you're OK, right?
Things were fine between us for a while. But then you started screaming all night long like a cat in heat. But you weren't in heat because I saw to that when I dropped you off at the spay and neuter clinic. I thought you missed the outdoor part of your life so I let you go out and in. This didn't make you any quieter and you kept getting beat up, so I made you indoor only again. I figured you would be safer and healthier.
Then I came home to bloody footsteps. You had cut your foot on a knife in the dish drying rack. First of all, you aren't allowed on the counters, and if you would follow the rules you wouldn't have hurt yourself. Now that I think about it, maybe that was a suicide attempt. It would follow your other neuroses'. It was very difficult for us to get through the stitches healing, bandage changes and the like, but we did it. Then you started cutting.
What is wrong with you?! You relentlessly scratch at your chin with your back feet. You scratch so much that you make big sores and I have to make you wear the cone. You hate the cone and I say 'just cause' in hating the cone. It is hard to eat while you wear it. I would imagine it is uncomfortable. You can't bathe yourself and cats like to bathe.
My reasons for hating the cone are quite different from your reasons. I hate the cone because when you are looking around in the litter box for what needs burying, you inadvertently dip the cone in your waste. I don't really care for the cat poo decoration, and I certainly don't like you jumping up on my bed in the middle of the night with poo stuck on the perimeter of your cone. It is smelly, unsanitary and just plain repulsive.
Please stop cutting yourself. You used to be such a pretty cat. You've always been crazy, but at least before the cutting you were pretty. We can get through this, but you need to take the first step and stop cutting. Let's get rid of the cone for good.
Sincerely, J.A. Johnson
posted by Trouble In Mind at 7:25 PM
2 Comments:
Poor neurotic kitty!!!
You might want to try cutting the cone to make it smaller. I bet it would still stop her from scratching her neck, and you might avoid the "poo issues".
Cutting the cone down is a great suggestion! Thankfully for almost two months now, Sparkles has not been cutting. If she goes back to it, she'll get a new cut-down cone.
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